I don’t know if it is part of the whole postpartum depression syndrome or if it’s just me, but although I am in love with my son and I am enjoying every moment we spend together, outside of that whole bubble of joy, I feel lost.
I feel like “me” is in limbo, struggling to keep up with life as it continues to move on. I am back at work and I feel like I am barely keeping up with everything I have to do.
As a wife, I am too struggling to rekindle the marriage spark, as it tends to dim when a baby comes, seeing as how both my husband and I are focused on our son.
However, the part that makes me “me”, I feel like it’s a bit lost at the moment. I haven’t been able to sit down and write like I am doing right now in such a long time…..my once filled with thoughts and rants journal is sitting there, neglected, my once trustworthy therapist.
I know it is all a process, that once I get the hang of it (mostly the working part-time or rather full time since being a teacher means you work at all times of the day) I’ll feel more inclined to sit down and ask “me” to emerge from the shadows. Even my once daydreaming mind, the one that could find a story by waiting at a red light has gone AWOL. My creativity is so upset with me right now, it barely gives me new ideas for my classes, let alone for any story that may forever remain in my computer, but that I had come to peace with. I love to write, to create new things and becoming a published writer is still in my bucket-list, but it used to be I felt content with just letting my “me” go to town with the stories it managed to weave out of nothing.
Motherhood is tough. It has many joys, satisfactions, and so on. Yet, apart from the lack of sleep, diapers flying back and forth and the lack of time of wakeful time to be with your husband, in my case, I am in a struggle to find “me” again. I truly don’t want to find her once my kids are all grown up and only then I will have time to finally do part of what made me “me.”